“Boss” I said as we climbed into the back of the jeep. ”Are you sure this will work?”, “Yes” he said reassuringly. ”We are trying to steal a one of a kind car, its worth 5 million euros do you really think I haven’t planned it all out yet”. “Sorry” I said. Was this really the only one I thought. The boss stopped me in my thoughts. “Get into the jeep and load your gun” he said. A few minutes later we were sitting outside the museum. The other henchmen were attaching C4 all over the building, as soon as they got back the boss pressed the button, the wall shattered and the sirens went off.
rang4mairead
Ag foghlaim le chéile
Greetings from Australia Daithí. I enjoyed reading your response to this week’s challenge. I liked the way you used first person, and a conversation to set the scene. You used some precise language like reassuringly, and shattered, which helped your reader to picture scene. I can see the effort you have put into punctuation using commas. A good way to check the correct use of commas is to read your writing aloud, or have a friend read your story for you. I wonder what the next challenge will be?
Thanks Mrs Wills1 from Daithi
Hi Daithi,
what a great action story you have created, I found it very easy to visualize your setting, hear the sounds and I liked your characters, from the way one of your characters callled the second character by just the name “Boss” I got the sense that these were not friends and that this was a business arrangement, your other character seemed unsure, so I was wondering how and why he got caught up in this robbery, it certainly sounded like he didn’t want to be there.
You be great a writing a blockbuster film script, keep up the good work and keep writing.
Thanks Bernadette from Daithi
Dia dhuit Daithí, scéal iontach maith thú!
It really felt like it was the opening sequence of an action film – I could almost hear the theme song starting after the explosion! So many questions? Why did they need to steal the car? Surely that was part of a bigger plot? Why was the main character reluctant? What was his relationship to the ‘Boss’? Perhaps he wasn’t part of the criminal gang but was being forced to take part? Was he a technology expert who was needed to over-ride the security system to get to the car? Oh I would love to know!
You managed to fit so much possibility into such a short story, great talent. Lean ort buachaill iontach 🙂
Múinteoir Mairéad
Go raibh maith agat Mairead
Noice
thanks Grace